I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
