I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
