Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I deserve this hangover.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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