The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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