just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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