You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
