New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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