I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
