You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
