when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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