I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
