Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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