Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
