Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
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