I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
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