No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Randomize
