Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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