I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Come see our sink grown plant.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize