I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
