All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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