I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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