apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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