saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
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I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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