your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
