Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
