does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
