I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
