WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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