I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
