Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize