No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
