Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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