Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
