I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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