I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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