im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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