I got chris browned last night
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
