ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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