I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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