I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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