I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
