Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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