I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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