i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Randomize
