i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
