its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
