what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
How's work?
Spinning.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
