if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
