I'm so fucking centered right now
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
