Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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