It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
We left an ass print on the piano.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
