Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
