I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
